I don't think anyone enjoys feeling flawed. We were created in the image of God and He is perfect, holy, and pure. You could say I grew up trying to sweep my flaws under the rug. I either wouldn't let them show or I would stand far enough away for anyone to see.
About 5 years ago I began what I would call my journey of vulnerability. Up until then I had fought so hard to keep certain things from showing; and I was able to hide pretty well. But the time came when I felt the gentle whisper of the Spirit say it was time to confess. I began sharing my deepest darkest secrets within the context of a perfectly imperfect community of believers who were also on a similar journey of learning to live free.
Things were going pretty well. I thought the hardest part was over. That is until I started graduate school a little over a year ago.
As jumped back into school, I quickly noticed that I had changed since the last time I was in school. For starters, I was more self-aware thanks to several years of spending really intentional times with the Lord, walking in community and going through the discipleship training at my church. I had also been growing more tired, fatigued, and unmotivated since graduating college in 2011. I started to worry that I couldn't handle the demands of grad school.
I eventually found my rhythm, but if there's one thing almost anyone who goes through an MSW program would tell you it's that if there's any junk you haven't dealt with, it'll come up during grad school. And why? Because we are being trained to be on the front lines of some of the world’s greatest pain. I so love the picture that EMDR trainer Rick Levinson gave this past weekend of how most people can live with keeping their pain and issues shoved in a bag that trails behind them their whole life. Most people can function on top of it. There might be small disturbances here and there, but for the most part, people can make it.
Not so for us. Learning about trauma, mental health, injustice, and poverty will start to rub at something inside of you. I started seeing how some of the things I had thrown into my bag (what I would “numbing” for myself) were keeping me from being the person I wanted to be.
My prayer over the last year and a half has been, “God, if nothing else, make me experience Your love toward me greater than anything else and help me to genuinely love people the way that You love.” I realized that while often times my head told me how to act or how to feel, my heart wasn't actually experiencing it.
Ironically it was around this time that Frozen came out. “Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know…”It was time for me to let it got (sorry to all of you who now have that song stuck in your head…). I had to let go of my need for perfection and my fear of being fully seen.
That journey led me to a season of what I would call depression. I was beginning the “unthawing” process as one friend said and I didn't like what I was finding. I was emotionally exhausted, even more aware of my shortcomings, but trying to live fully brave and vulnerable none the less. And here's the interesting thing I learned. When you stop trying to make everyone happy, you are faced with how you really don't make everyone happy. When you stop trying to be perfect, you realize how imperfect you are. When you stop trying to keep your distance or make people like you, you realize how many people might not like you. Living in vulnerability is scary but quite possibly one of the bravest things you could ever choose to do.
I finished the spring semester in one piece. I did a lot of things well, but failed in more ways than I care to admit. It was hard for me to function some days. At times, I would just sit and stare at the wall, feeling overwhelmed by what I had to do. I didn't feel excited about anything anymore.
Over the summer I started seeing a therapist. One of the things being in a MSW program has taught me is that it is healthy and normal for you to take the time to work on your own stuff. There is still quite a stigma around seeing a therapist. It felt even more strange seeing as how I was in many ways training to be one. I probably would have never thought to do it if it hadn't been for many encouraging professors and friends.
The more I learned about mental health, the more I started wondering if some of my physical symptoms could be related to a mental health problem. I was still really tired and fatigued. I knew I wasn't functioning at peak capacity. I went to the doctor to get some blood work and they couldn't really find anything that might be causing that. So I started talking with my therapist about exploring other diagnosis such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD.
The start of the fall semester brought it's own challenges. I felt like I was getting worse. There was one day where I sat down to do homework and my brain just couldn't do it. I sat there for hours unable to focus and had to turn in several assignments late. I also want to add here how thankful I am for the professors who have journeyed with me through this over the past semester.
I finally made it back to the doctor to explore medication options. One thing I did know was that I have an OCD related habit. I never knew it was OCD until I learned more about what OCD was through grad school. My doctor prescribed me fluoxetine (an antidepressant also used to treat OCD). Fluoxetine takes several weeks to start to really do its job. I started to feel a difference around the beginning of November. Here's what I noticed: I didn't feel as overwhelmed, I had more energy, I could focus more, I was calmer. I was worried about fluoxetine numbing my emotions like I had already done for many years on my own, but I haven't noticed that.
Instead, I have become a lot more comfortable and confident with who I really am. I press into my weakness because that is where I truly experience the grace and strength of God.
Journeying through this has made me all the more passionate about sharing my story and encouraging others to do the same. Silence brings shame. Perfectionism brings guilt. I have experienced moments of joy in the midst of my brokenness. Because of that, it will fight for vulnerability. It is very uncomfortable at times. It is not fun to go to someone, especially a supervisor or pastor and say, here is what I'm doing wrong. Here is where I am. Here is how I'm working on it. Some people don't get it. Others show acceptance, grace, and understanding. Others feel released to be more vulnerable themselves.
I want you to know, reader, that you are so loved. There is the most perfect Father who fully accepts you. We don't need to continue to live in a stigmatized and shame-filled world. We can change that. We can choose to dare greatly and be fully seen. It comes at a cost. But the ultimate reward is worth it- fully living.
I experience Jesus more now than I have in the past. I feel more real. More human. Having a mental health issue or failure does not make you any less of a person. If anything, I think it's a way to experience the heart of Jesus more fully. Think about the people in the Bible who experienced the deepest intimacy with Jesus and ultimately became key players in the Gospel spreading.
I wanted to share this story because I truly believe it is a testimony of the faithfulness of God. It often feels backwards. But God chooses the foolish things to shame the wise.
I want to leave you with these two songs.
